Imagine your roll in the following husband/wife scenario. Joe is dealing with a ton of stress. Work is piling up and consuming much of his time, finances at home are tight and he feels responsible to provide more completely for his family. Some recent health issues are on his mind, and while currently minor, he worries about how he can possibly devote the time and energy needed to correct them before they escalate.

In dealing with these many overwhelming issues, Joe retreats from the family, staying out later to have time alone, and is distant when he is around. Meanwhile, Sue is working part time, taking care of the house and children full time, and trying to lend a hand in Joe’s work to relieve some of his stressors. She is supportive of his need for time, but begins to get lonely and frustrated managing so much on her own. Sue waits for a “good” time and tries to address the issue by communicating with Joe. He is very unresponsive, giving one-word answers. She is getting nowhere and begins to think he is really keeping something bigger from her. Then there is the straw.
 
Joe is annoyed because he doesn’t want to talk, and Sue is scared and beginning to feel that she is doing something wrong. In one quick snap, Joe responds to one of Sue’s probing questions with a frustrated, “well, talk louder if you want me to answer.” Sue shuts down. Feeling that her emotions are making her undesirable and that if she continues Joe will withdraw further. She doesn’t feel safe to share how she really feels, so she tries to keep it inside, and begins to look for ways not to care. “Fine, you don’t care about me, see if I cook you dinner tonight, or good luck handling your presentation at work. Forget it, I don’t need your help, I can take care of the kids on my own, and in fact it is easier if I don’t have to be stressed about you.” Or “I’m going to stop expecting you to … so that I don’t have to be disappointed.” I believe most of us have been in either Sue or Joe’s shoes at one point in time. Even though we’ve been there it is hard to relate the situation to some of the similar struggles we deal with when parenting.

I will paint another picture to show you how this relates directly to our parenting. Susie is worried about her math test today, so she snaps at her brother when he takes the last pancake at breakfast. Mom scolds her, because her reaction seemed out of proportion and disruptive. Susie gets more upset feeling misunderstood, or even attacked. She heads to school and forgets her history homework. The stress builds moment by moment as history class gets closer. At lunch they don’t have her favorite snack, and in gym class she gets embarrassed when she misses a basket in front of the whole class. We can keep building on this concept, but I think you get the idea. Mom in the meantime has been running errands, making payment arrangements due to their low finances, cleaning the house, taking care of Susie’s younger siblings, and preparing dinner. At dinner, Susie blows up, throwing a fit because she doesn’t want corn and potatoes. Mom is completely offended and confused. "But you love corn and potatoes." “I do not,” said Susie. “Yes you do,” her Mother replies. “If you don’t want to eat, you can go to your room because I don’t want to hear it.” Susie gets mad, and instead of shutting down as Sue did when her husband gave her a similar response, she fights back with screams, door slams, a tantrum, or just some other form of unloading the compounding stress of her day. 

A child’s reaction to not being heard might be more outwardly irrational but in the end, it is the same feeling of not being accepted and not being heard that sends us into varying “undesirable” choices of behavior or thinking.

Imagine each of these scenarios with the following interruption. Joe moves close to Sue and says “I can see that you’re feeling upset right now, and that’s okay, but can we please talk about this later.” Sue may have felt safer to say, “Okay, Joe, but are we okay, have I done something wrong? Are we going to make it through this?” Instead of feeling that Joe doesn’t care or is being a jerk, or only thinking about himself etc. Now what if Mom had moved in right away at breakfast and said, “Susie, something must be bothering you because that isn’t like you to get so upset over a pancake.” A little bit of a struggle might have ensued because Susie isn’t as familiar with her emotions yet. But if her Mother had stayed close and offered questions such as, “Are you worried about something at school today. Did you have a bad dream last night?” Instead of Susie shutting down because she felt attacked, she might break into tears as the worry and fear of the test comes flowing out now that she felt “safe” to do so.

The tears are a good thing - that response or some other form of release is the goal. Depending on your childs age, you may get anything from a tantrum, to laughter (whether appropriate or not) to screams to tears. Our children need a safe place to unload these confusing feelings and ultimately stressors. Their “mis”- behavior is our clue into the fact that something is not quite right. Children by nature are free to play, laugh and have fun, and when emotions or stress compile that they are not able to unload, those usual ways are inhibited. It really is the same as us if you really make the comparison. When we feel negative emotions towards a loved-one, our spouse, whoever it is, many of us bottle it up for fear of hurting someone, causing and argument, being ridiculous, whatever the reason may be. We might not start hitting people or throwing fits, as our children do, but if we don’t get those things out of us, we end up in a quite similar scenario. When our spouse or friend is not receptive to our venting, we shut down outwardly and steam up inwardly. Then, boom, what happens when the whistle blows, we get it all out, and suddenly can smile again, can love again. Let’s give our children the same understanding that we wish for during these times. Find a way to look beyond the outside behavior, get close to them and “Listen” to what is going on. Listen through the tears and tantrums. Ask questions and then be silent, giving them a chance to express what has them upset. You’ll be amazed at the ease with which they walk away from it.

This article is written based on a method of parenting called Connection Parenting. Beth Montanez is a mother of three, pilates instructor, and parenting partner. She has a passion for sharing the Connection method with other parents. You can connect with her on Twitter.